Style Conversational Week 1468: Weren’t we just here? The Style Invitational Empress discusses this week’s retrospective contest and cartoon caption results The cornucopia of creativity that Bob Staake typically unleashes on the Empress: These were his ideas for the Week 1464 cartoon caption contest; we chose four. This very piece of paper (it's actually vertical IRL) might be available for purchase! Ask Bob at his special ordering page for Style Invitational art, bobstaake.com/SI. By Pat Myers Today at 4:18 p.m. EST Can you imagine the mind of Bob Staake? No, of course you can’t. Bob sketched all the motley zany doodles above — as he does for The Style Invitational a couple of times a year — in some insanely short period. In the past I’d hesitated to show them, since he might want to use some of the other cartoon ideas next time. Not a problem, he’d say. He’ll just think up another set. As you can see in this week’s results of the Week 1464 cartoon caption contest, I ended choosing Cartoons G, I, Q and R (conveniently renamed A, B, C and D for their dressed-up debuts). It’s not as if any number of the other ones wouldn’t have worked as well, but my limit was four. I looked especially for situations that would lend themselves to “dialogue” in the caption, not just a description of what was going on (I like using both types) as well as ones that could prompt widely differing interpretations: the blob on the carpet, for example. And sure enough, I did get lots of dialogue, lots of description, lots of variety. But! With as many as 400 captions for a single cartoon (Picture D got notably fewer, for some reason), people are going to get a lot of the same ideas — the same funny ideas. So for Cartoon A, the man and boy looking up at the drones carrying a drooping sack, lots and lots of people thought of a stork. A lazy stork. A stork made obsolete by technology. A stork that observed covid restrictions. A stork that experienced supply chain shortages. A stork whose job was stolen by Jeff Bezos Who Owns The Washington Post. And even several that had the specific joke of the man admitting that the stork was a fairy tale — and THIS is the truth about where babies come from. ADVERTISING My top pick for Cartoon A was from that last group, but with a unique twist. Lee Graham’s admirably pithy caption: “Remember when I told you where babies come from? I lied.” The twist is that not only could the father have meant that he’d lied about the stork; he might have first told the son the biological explanation, right? For that, Lee gets his 55th blot of Style Invitational ink plus a deck of cards featuring trivia about New Jersey. (There will be a quiz later.) Other frequent ideas: there were eight that imagined a bowling ball hanging from the bag — Leif Picoult’s ill-advised “Bowling Ball Land’s ‘You Buy It, We Fly It’ delivery service” blots the ink — a surprising number of entries about the grand tradition of leaving a bag of poop at someone’s door and setting it on fire. (Sam Mertens wins that group with a description of the auto-drive version.) But yes, only Jeff Shirley conjured Roald Dahl’s famous bird-tugged hyperfruit to suggest “James and the Giant Testicle.” Oh, Jeff. Similarly for the other three contests: Instead of throwing out all the entries that shared some basic joke, I chose one that had some element that won me over. Among four entries referencing “schadenfreude” for Cartoon D — in which, at the end of a movie, one woman is gleeful while the woman next to her on the couch weeps pitifully — I gave the Clowning Achievement to Craig Dykstra, who made it the funniest: Denise Downer realized it was just no fun watching sad movies with Amy Schadenfreude. It’s the first Clowning Achievement trophy for Craig, but he’s far from prize-deprived: Craig has returned only recently from stepping away from the Invite for a few years; before that, he was the first to win both Loser of the Year and Rookie of the Year simultaneously (2010) and went on to snarf up more than 350 blots of ink, including five wins. Soon after becoming immersed in Loserdom, Craig told me that he tended to throw all his energies and wit into mastering some project or other, then tire of it and pursue another goal with the same passion. But he stuck around for a good five or six years, snarfing up as many as 121 blots in a single Loser Year (and hosting two memorable Loser parties), before turning to whatever. So it’s heartening to see that Craig may well be back in earnest. I mean, the Hall of Fame is fewer than 150 inks away! Go for it! Also popping up again after a long career in Loserdom — dating back more than 20 years — Phyllis Reinhard gets a Loser Mug or Whole Fools Grossery Bag with her pithy caption for Cartoon B: “Tough night, Mr. Gumby?” Before moving away to the Philadelphia exurbs, Phyl was one of the most delightful guests at Loser functions — and for years in the Style Invitational Devotees group, she’d write personalized poems for other Losers on their birthdays. Turns out that this was her only entry this week, too. Batting 1.000! And a couple of generations younger than Phyllis, Jesse Rifkin grabs the remaining spot in the Losers’ Circle (and his 62nd ink already) with one of this week’s rare political entries — and even rarer, one that digs at the Dems: For the people outside the store labeled with a giant R: “I think I’ll shop here — the D store is about to cost another $2 trillion.” A trip down short-term memory lane: The Week 1468 retrospective It’s hard to be nostalgic, exactly, when you look back a whole week — or zero weeks — for Week 1468, when you have a chance to enter (or reenter) any of our 25 most recent contests, including the cartoon caption contest we review just today. As I did in last week’s Style Conversational for the still-running Part 1, Week 1467 (through Monday, Dec. 27) below I’ve provided links to all the contests eligible this week, along with the first-place entry for each of those contests. It’s an amazing greatest-hits anthology. The links go to the announcement and instructions for the contest; for the results of each contest — be sure to check them so you don’t send an entry that’s like one that already ran — click on the link from four weeks later. Week 1440, song lyrics about anything in the news: To “Royals” I'll never sit upon that fancy throne The crown will rest on brother's head, I can not see Why I can't venture on my own I'll avoid Mom's fate — damn paparazzi! But everybody's like: Grow up, stand tall, pick a proper mate. An Actress? Good God! What an awful state! Man, They're afraid She'll pop out babies of a darker lot Folks in the palace, like, Curtsies, pinkies up, shoulders with no chip, be Discreet, stoic, stiffen up that lip, see They don't care If my stomach’s in a Windsor knot. We don’t want to be royals (royals), we don’t need all that strife I’ll take my children and my wife, we crave a different kind of life Let me go on Oprah (Oprah), she’s the queen of TV And baby, we'll spill, (we'll spill, we'll spill) A whole bunch of royal tea. (Hildy Zampella) Week 1441, a limerick that sums up or otherwise reflects on a particular song The Star-Spangled Banner 'Twas our second time fighting the British They had hoped we'd be fatally skittish But we stayed through the night And we won the last fight — Now of despots we’re finally rid (ish). (Emma Daley) Week 1442, what’s the same or different between any two items on the random list we supplied: 12 gallons of hand sanitizer: Purell. An evening with Mitch McConnell: Pure 'ell. (Double credit for Jesse Frankovich and Jeff Rackow) Week 1443, propose some law and give it a humorous acronym: The Let’s Acknowledge Legitimately Authentic, Literate Americans Love Apathy resolution, to earnestly affirm that climate change is an existential crisis and we really should do something about it someday. It’s the LALALALA resolution. (Kevin Dopart) Week 1444, slightly change the name of a sport or game and describe the new pastime: Marrython: The only endurance sport where you try not to reach the finish line. (Melissa Balmain) Week 1445, poems using a word from the later rounds of the 2021 National Spelling Bee, or Q&A jokes using one of the words Dysphotic, poorly illuminated Dysphotic water's where to hide The bodies of the vics who died For disrespecting capos’ wishes. Now they're sleeping with the fishes At the bottom of the Hudson, Down in zones that too much mud’s in. (Chris Doyle) Week 1446, use a partially filled in crossword grid to create your choice of words (including made-up ones) or phrases, then write the clue T- - N > TEEN: I’m working on the definition, OKAY? (Roy Ashley) Week 1447, take any sentence from an article or ad in any publication (for this week’s contest, use ones dated Dec. 23-Jan. 3) and interpret it in “plain English”: Spelman College’s study-abroad program has pivoted to “a systematic internationalization of the curriculum that infuses virtual exchange opportunities.” PE: You can study a broad section of your Zoom screen. (Drew Bennett) Week 1448, a limerick that features a word, name or other term beginning with “he-”: A rumor is also called hearsay; It's what gossipy people, I fear, say. And it might not be true — Only something that you (After three or four bottles of beer) say. (Beverley Sharp) Week 1449, begin with a real name; overlap it with a word, name or expression; and describe or “quote” the resulting phrase or name. Giannis Antetokounm-Poe: Once upon a playoff mission, 2021 edition, After sitting out two games (his knee was feeling really sore) — Wearing Nike sneakers squeaky, showing off his talents freaky, Six-eleven, strong and Greek, he made amazing moves to score. Named the Finals MVP, the finest player on the floor: Giannis, Number 34. (Jesse Frankovich) Week 1450, describe some aspect of our current society as a space alien or future anthropologist might interpret it: Once a year every human must recommit to the familial cult by lighting a cake on fire while clan members chant a mournful dirge. (Scott Richards) Week 1451, humorously bad “first drafts” of famous lines from history, literature or entertainment. “Torpedoes?? Damn.” — Adm. David Farragut (Marli Melton) Week 1452, neologisms “discovered” by snaking around the word-find grid provided. From F-14: OM-ZAP: A meditation-induced inspiration. In full lotus, Ellen suddenly experienced an om-zap: “What if I created a dog fitness program called Labs of Steel”? (Leif Picoult) Week 1453, change the meaning of any book title by adding a subtitle Silent Spring: The Year I Forgot About Valentine’s Day (Dave Prevar) Week 1454, Punku: haiku including a pun or other wordplay We are not close to Solving climate change, but we Are getting warmer. (Laura Clairmont) Week 1455, Cite a “good idea” and then alter the wording slightly into a “bad idea” Good idea: Getting your cues from science. Bad idea: Getting your science from Q. (Ryan Martinez) Week 1456, ask an insulting question roughly in the format of “Is that your X, or did Y?” Is that your way of encouraging your child’s self-expression, or did you fail to tip the exorcist? (Mark Raffman) Week 1457, Ask Backwards: Choose one of the “answers” provided and follow it with a question. (No guest-judging by Ken Jennings this time around, alas.) A. Six hours without Facebook. Q. How do 56 percent of Americans describe an eight-hour workday? (Jeff Hazle) Week 1458, Using all the letters in the title of a TV show (as often as you like), create a new TV show title and describe it “Gilligan’s Island” > “Ding-a-lings in Sand”: Still “Gilligan’s Island.” (Coleman Glenn) Week 1459, write song lyrics “by” a particular person, set to a familiar tune Sen. Susan Collins (To “If I Only Had a Brain") I can talk of moderation — adept dissimulation! A centrist stance I’ll feign, The conclusion is foregone I'll go and side with Mitch McConnell And I’ll con the folks in Maine. Odds are good, indeed the surest, I'll confirm those right-wing jurists — “Roe's safe!” I will maintain. It disturbs me very little to accede to Trump's acquittal As I con the hicks in Maine. Yes, ma'am, I've learned to scam the people up the shore, “Take your rights away? The thought I just abhor!” And then I vote, and slam the door. My concerns are deep and thorough! Just watch my brow line furrow! My head might cleave in twain! As my forehead sadly puckers, I will play them all for suckers, Yes, I’ll con the rubes in Maine. (Duncan Stevens) Week 1460, write a short poem that features a word from the provided list of terms added to the dictionary in 2021 The “fourth trimester,” the months after the birth: We cuddled you close for the whole fourth trimester — We cherished that bond, and the closeness was heaven. And dear, we still love you; we don’t mean to pester — But . . . leave. It’s trimester one hundred and seven. (Coleman Glenn) Week 1461, create a new word or phrase based on someone’s name and define it (Results here) KevinMcCarthyism: Blacklisting people who agree to appear before a House committee investigating un-American activities. (Donald Norum) Week 1462, what would happen if any two people switched professions or other roles? (Results here) Edgar Allan Poe writes children’s books: “Still that hatted cat comes calling, Nameless Things with him enthralling Children who, their caution falling, Heed their parents nevermore.” Dr. Seuss writes horror: “Then I heard from the floorboards a thumpety-thump, like a tocker whose ticker just started to jump.” (Coleman Glenn) Week 1463, riddles featuring spoonerisms — two words or phrases whose first sounds are switched: (Results here.) What’s a demagogue’s reaction to a rabid crowd at a rally? If he’s rotten to the core, he’ll cotton to the roar. (Mark Raffman) And … Week 1464, captions for the cartoons featured in this week’s results. (Results here) ---- Wishing you all the happiest of holidays, and I’ll be back with the Conv (and of course the Invite) one more time before the wrecking ball crashes on 2021. --------- If you never emailed me to opt in to the notification newsletter: Do it now! A few weeks ago I was suddenly prevented from sending out my weekly email newsletter on the TinyLetter platform, with the links to each week’s Invitational and Conversational, seemingly (I was never told personally) because one or more of the 1,800 recipients had reported it as spam. Fortunately, I was able to quickly set up with another, even better service, Substack, and could even move over my whole mailing list — but I had to promise that everyone on the list had expressly asked to join the first time. I did tell them that so I could get the word out, but I wasn’t totally truthful: I had added some of the names myself, when new Losers had entered the contest (so they could know when the results were printed). So I asked everyone to email me at myerspat ( at ) gmail (dot) com to opt in, so I could prove to Substack that I wasn’t bothering them without their own masochistic permission. And if they didn’t, I’d delete their names. The thing is that it’s taken more time than I’ve had, and so most of you are still getting the newsletter. But I really need those opt-ins, and am shooting for the end of the year for the big dump of no-answers. If you joined after Nov. 5, 2021, you’re in on your own; you don’t have to do anything. If you’re not sure if you already wrote to me (I tried to reply to everyone), heck, flip me another one. If you haven’t yet signed up, just go to TheStyleInvitational.substack.com, click on the most recent (or any) newsletter, and click the purple Subscribe Now button. It’s all free.